Thank God she's Sleeping-Beauty
by Blue Angel5
Summary: Does being evil mean you have no imagination? Do monsters explode when they die? Wake Relena up or just leave her there? Will Handsome Prince Heero wake the perfect princess of pacifism, or will he switch sides and join the witch? (Who just happens to hav


Disclaimer: I don't own it, so don't sue me.  
Author: Blue Angel  
Warnings: add Yaoi/Shonen-ai, OOC-ness, Fantasy, More twisting of fairytales for my own evil amusement, a pinch of humor, a lime, a sprinkle of weirdness, a generous helping of Relena-bashing, lots and lots of slime and stir!   
Author's note: Another fairytale forever warped by me, since I'm in the mood. I just got a new kitten called Chibi and she's asleep next to me while I write this, radiating cuteness, plus I'm listening to Green Day, Minority, so I'm in kind of a weird mood. Don't flame me if this comes out weird and gross, I'll try not to make it too gory! Please review all you nice people out there! Thanks!  
  
  
Thank god she's sleeping-beauty. (Or "So it wasn't all bad.")  
  
  
Heero rode towards the castle with a grim expression on his face, as usual. He was getting REALLY bored with waking up enchanted princesses, but it was his duty as a handsome prince. Plus, he got to fight some really cool monsters and evil witches, so it wasn't all bad. He looked up at the black shape of the latest enchanted castle looming up against the blood-red backdrop of the setting sun and sighed. More evil thorns to cut his way through, no doubt. Couldn't these witches ever think of something original for once? Perhaps being evil just meant that you had NO imagination. Thorns, though? It's not like thorns were the hardest things to get through. How about big, reinforced steel walls? A moat full of piranhas? Quicksand, even. Or, even better, why not just kill the damned princesses and save him the trouble of coming to rescue them and having them stalk him for the rest of their lives? Heero sighed again. He'd met this particular princess before, Relena Peacecraft. Before she was enchanted, that is. She'd always been madly in love with him and now that he was being paid to rescue her she'd be another name to add to his list of stalkers. Really, there was only so much a prince could take before he snapped and changed sides. Heero was seriously considering it; there was nothing more annoying than a lovestruck princess in the grips of passion chasing you all over the country.  
As he approached the castle he sighed once more, picking out the familiar jagged outline of a forest of thorns. Again? This was getting ridiculous. He rode briskly up to the wall of thorns and jumped off his black horse, Zero, and tied him up to a branch, drawing his sword. It was an enchanted sword, it came with the job, and it cut through the thorns like a hot knife through butter. Not much of a challenge there, then. On and on the forest went, with Heero slicing himself a tunnel towards the castle until he finally reached the end just as the sun sank below the horizon, drowning the world in darkness.   
It was at that moment Heero began to hear groaning sounds coming from beneath him. He raised an eyebrow and moved slightly to the side, lightening up a little at the thought that whichever witch had enchanted this place apparently had a little more imagination that usual. An explosion of brown earth from where he'd just been standing confirmed the fact. Around him the same thing began to happen and before long Heero was surrounded by zombies digging themselves out of the ground, groaning as zombies do. They were pretty good zombies, as zombies went, too. All rotting flesh hanging from yellowing bones, empty, glowing eye sockets and ragged clothes fluttering slightly in the breeze. Heero grinned, pleased that something interesting was finally happening. Zombies weren't much of a challenge, just chop off their heads and they were finished, but it was better than nothing. He leapt at them, not giving them a chance to prepare, and swung his sword, decapitating three with one blow. The others groaned and staggered towards him, arms outstretched and eyes flaring red. Heero smirked and charged, his blue eyes catching the moonlight and making him seem almost as evil looking as the living dead he was massacring.   
It took Heero about three minutes to dispose of the zombies and he calmly wiped the slime from his sword onto one of the bodies and set off for the drawbridge. It was down, but when he got to the other side a portcullis dropped in front of him, the iron bars blocking his way into the rest of the castle. Not a problem for Heero, who coolly took out a grenade from his belt, pulled out the pin with his teeth and threw it at the bars, diving for cover. The explosion rocked the castle, echoing out into the night and scattering birds from the trees. When the smoke cleared Heero made his way through the twisted remains of the portcullis and into the castle courtyard. The witch would already know he was there the moment he stepped into the thorn forest so he didn't worry about the explosion alerting her to his presence. Now was when the witch usually attacked him, but to his surprise nothing happened as he stalked across the flagstones and up the stairs to the highest tower. Everything in the castle was deathly quiet and that unnerved Heero, who would usually have been dodging dragon flame by now.  
He crept through the door at the top of the staircase, walking over to the bed and looking down at the figure laid out there. Pink again, why did all princesses have to wear pink? Relena was asleep on the bed, a pink rose held in her hands and a smile on her lips. Knowing her she probably got herself enchanted on purpose just so he'd have to kiss her. The thought made him shudder as he looked down at her. Was it really worth the money to wake her up? Leaving her asleep would be better. He could even just run her through with his sword to break the spell and say the witch did it...  
No, it was his duty as a prince and all that; he had to do it. Closing his eyes, he leant down and kissed the soft lips he felt gently, drawing back sharply when he heard a giggle. His eyes flew open and he looked down to see a pair of violet eyes staring at him from where the figure had leant beneath him to catch his lips before he could kiss Relena. Heero blinked and staggered back in surprise, drawing his sword and taking in the creature who straightened up and grinned at him, its eyes glowing amethyst in the moonlight.  
It seemed to be a boy about his age with long, chestnut hair falling in a neat braid down his black-clad back. He had wide, violet eyes that sparkled and the most beautiful face Heero had ever seen. He was also grinning widely and holding a scythe.  
"Who-who are you?" Heero demanded, raising his sword menacingly. The boy looked down at it then back up at Heero, raising an eyebrow.  
"Gonna kill me?" He asked in a husky voice. "I don't think so. You know who I am!" He grinned again. Heero frowned.  
"You're a witch? The one who enchanted Relena?" Heero was confused; no witch had ever looked like this one before.  
"Yep! I did enchant Relena, but I only did it to shut her up. You ever met her when she's awake? Jeez, talk about annoying and obsessive! Would you like a drink?" The boy asked, walking over to the table and pouring two glasses of blood red wine. Heero had no idea what to think, this boy had enchanted Relena? Why was he offering drinks to the guy who had been sent to kill him? Perhaps they were poisoned.  
"No. What the hell is going on here? I was expecting an old crone with a grudge against the Peacecraft girl, not... whoever you are." Heero frowned and sat down on the edge of the bed, still keeping his sword in hand, just in case.  
Duo sat down on a chair and sipped his drink, leaning his scythe against the wall.  
"I," he said, gesturing to his chest and inclining his head politely, "am Duo Maxwell! Nice to meet you!" He said cheerfully, grinning at Heero, who raised an eyebrow.  
"You do know I'm supposed to kill you, right?" Heero asked, feeling very confused. Duo pouted.  
"Why do you wanna kill me? Us "creatures of the supernatural" are nowhere near as bad as people say. I mean, all we do is eat or enchant the occasional princess, and you could count that as a public service!" Duo ranted to Heero, who was scanning the Witch for hidden weapons. Heero couldn't help but agree with that. Princesses were undoubtedly the most annoying creatures it was possible to meet.   
"It's my job. You have to die." Heero replied, not feeling at all happy about having to kill the very attractive witch-boy who was sat in front of him, sipping his wine.   
Duo shrugged.   
"Fine, have it your way, but I really don't want to kill you, that'd put me in a bad mood. I'm not as easy as those others you've fought, you know. I actually have an imagination! Hey, have you ever fought a hydra? Those guys are great! Here, try it out." Duo said, and before Heero knew what was happening he found himself back out in the courtyard. He stood in the darkness, raising his sword, and looked around as best he could, it being pitch black and all. Duo suddenly appeared next to him, grinning.  
"Hey, I forgot to ask, do you wanna wake Relena up first?" The braided witch asked.  
"No." Heero replied straight away, then paused, running over the possibility of her "accidentally" getting in the way when he was fighting the monsters Duo had promised him. He shook his head. Better to leave her asleep than have her screeching his name in her madly annoying voice.  
"Leave her where she is. So, where is this hydra?" Heero asked, not quite able to hide the enthusiasm in his voice. There was nothing he enjoyed more than fighting monsters.  
"Right there," Duo said, clicking his fingers. Suddenly the whole courtyard became floodlit and a creature was illuminated by the light, slithering towards Heero from where it had been lurking in the shadows across the courtyard. Duo smirked and vanished, reappearing in a spectator's box that had magically appeared just beneath the floodlights.   
"Go hydra!" He yelled. Then he stopped, scratched his head for a moment, and changed his mind.  
"Go Heero! Kick his ass!" The braided witch shouted, waving a flag with a picture of Heero on it. A chair appeared behind him and he sat down, the flag turning into a box of popcorn as he settled back to watch the show.  
  
Heero grinned manically as he swung his sword up and raced towards the huge, nine-headed snake in front of him. Finally a little action, this was great! Dodging a strike from one of the hydra's heads, Heero swung his sword around and sliced it off before the creature could withdraw it. Heero ran around behind the snake, leaping nimbly over the long tail as it tried to knock him over, and scrambled up onto it, running along the snake's back until he reached the place where the heads met the body.   
Now, Heero had done his homework and he knew that if you cut one head off a hydra it would grow two more to replace it, cut off too many and it ended up looking like a tree. The head he had cut off was already showing signs of doing this in the form of two wriggling lumps growing out of the still oozing wound. Well, that was no problem. Dancing easily among the striking heads and ignoring the frightening hissing they emitted, Heero climbed up to a place in between where the middle two necks joined, raising his sword high. He wobbled a little, almost losing his balance as the creature writhed, but steadied himself, thrusting the sword down into the creature's heart with a slightly deranged laugh.   
The hydra, deciding that having a long, drawn out death was very unoriginal, exploded. Snake guts flew everywhere, splattering the castle walls and dropping down like green, slimy rain. Heero pulled himself up off the ground and looked down at the guts dripping off his arms and legs, grinning. Now this was more like it. He shook the entrails from his sword and looked up at the spectator's box, where Duo was grinning down at him.  
"Good job! Let's see, what next..." Duo put a hand on his chin as he thought hard. Heero watched, thoroughly enjoying himself, and looked forward to whatever the violet-eyed witch boy had in store for him next.  
"How about... Oh! I know! How do you feel about a Cyclops?"  
"Sounds good to me, lets go." Heero replied, raising his sword again as yet another gigantic creature appeared before him. This time it was a one-eyed, ugly giant man wearing only a loincloth. It had a thick beard of curly black hair, matching the single thick eyebrow and the mane of hair that ran down its back. Of course, Heero, being a perfect warrior/soldier and all, knew exactly how to kill it. He didn't give the Cyclops a chance to prepare as he ran right up close to it, smirked evilly, then stabbed it in the foot with his sword. The creature howled in pain and clutched its injured foot; hopping around and making the floor shake with each stamp. Heero dived out of the way of the Cyclops' good leg as it hopped right where he'd been standing, then the handsome prince stuck his sword into its scabbard and grabbed hold of the Cyclops' beard as it swung past him, scrambling up it until he was right next to the creature's mouth. Wincing at the bad breath, Heero swung himself up to hang from the Cyclops' one eyebrow, then drew his sword again. He was hanging right in front of the creature's eye now, which suddenly went wide as the Cyclops realized what Heero was about to do. It raised its huge arms up to pull Heero off but it was too slow, and before it could even touch the boy hanging from its eyebrow, Heero had, you guessed it, stuck his sword right in the middle of its eye. It screamed in pain and fell over, Heero managing to jump out of the way just in time as it raised two huge hands to clutch at its eye.  
"Now that had to hurt," Duo murmured from where he was watching, drinking a giant chocolate milkshake through a straw as he followed the action.   
Once the creature was blinded it was easy for Heero to finish it off, walking calmly up to where it was writhing and sticking his sword in its neck. It gurgled horribly and Heero ducked as, sure enough, it exploded in a burst of pink that contrasted nicely with the green hydra guts still dribbling down the walls.   
Heero climbed his way out from beneath a pile of what looked like intestines and stood up, smirking up at Duo once again. The Witch appeared next to him, keeping far away enough that he didn't get slime on him, and grinned.  
"Nice going. You know, that slime suits you." Duo laughed. "Fancy a half-time break? I have popcorn and milkshakes," he tempted. Heero shrugged, deciding that, much as he enjoyed being covered in the internal organs of his enemies, having so much slime dripping off him was starting to make his sword slippery and it wouldn't be smart to drop it in the middle of a fight.  
"Sure. Got a shower?" Heero asked.  
"I will have, as soon as I make one," Duo grinned, and Heero found himself standing in the spectator's box. It was quite big and spacious, really very nice. It was a little unnerving the way Duo kept transporting him places without warning him first, though.   
The prince set his slimy sword down on the floor, wiping it on his clothes first, and watched as Duo waved a hand and a door appeared at the back of the box.  
"Your shower awaits, O handsome prince." Duo said, then got a mischievous and decidedly evil look in his eyes. "Want me to wash your back?"   
The moment the words were said, Duo clicked his fingers and Heero found himself standing in a big, white shower room wearing absolutely nothing but a few globs of slimy monster innards. Duo was stood in front of him, also naked, a scrubbing brush and bar of soap in his hands, grinning wickedly.  
Heero blinked, admiring the very sexy naked witch boy who was fiddling with the shower, and a slow, evil smirk of hentai-ness began to spread across his lips.   
Smirk complete, Heero completely forgot the fact that Duo was the enemy and jumped him, pouncing like a cat on the startled witch.   
"Oi! What about-mmmph!" Duo was cut off abruptly by Heero's lips closing over his own.   
  
About half an hour later, both drenched by the shower, slime and sweat, Duo and Heero sat on the white tiled floor, letting the warm water clean away all the grime, both looking slightly dazed.  
"Where did you learn to do THAT?" Duo asked, grinning. Heero smirked.   
"You're not the only one with imagination, you know. While we're on the subject, do you actually have bones? Normal people just don't bend that way," Heero said, trying to hide a grin.  
"I'm flexible! Anyway, I didn't hear you complaining." Duo replied, sticking his tongue out. "So I guess you want some more monsters? You like Gryphons? They've always been my favorite." Duo told the prince. Heero looked thoughtful for a moment.  
"You know, I have an idea. Listen to this..."  
  
And thus, once Handsome Prince Heero and Not Completely Evil Witch Duo had finished their shower session, they promptly went into business together, with Duo creating various monsters and enchanting princesses and Heero coming to rescue them, for a small fee from their relatives. Actually, it was a big fee, but why worry about little details like that? The Prince and the Witch both lived together, happily (and violently) ever after in Relena's castle, after remodeling it and getting rid of all the pink, of course.  
As for Relena, sadly she was eaten by a very hungry Gryphon a few days later. Fortunately, though, Heero still got paid because she wasn't killed by the witch.   
As far as anyone knows, that is.   
Heero and Duo used the money to buy a Velcro sex-wall, and had many happy, upside-down sticky nights together thanks to Relena.   
So it wasn't all bad.  
  
  
The End.   
  
*Giggle!* Sorry about all the slime, but it *does* make a great lubricant, though. *Evil smirk*  
That didn't go too badly, did it? Hope you liked it! Oh, and I know that male witches are warlocks, sorcerers or wizards, but I just thought "Witch" sounded better for Duo. I have no idea why.  
Please review? I'd love to know what everyone thinks of this. Anyway, bye-bye! 


End file.
